How to Please a Woman...On the Golf Course
SUSAN FORNOFF By
"...I recently had
a golf date with
a strong hunk of
a man who said,
“I’ll play from
whatever tees
you play from.
I’m just out here
to spend time
with you.”
four or five years ago my mother and I teed off with a couple older than she was. We so-called ladies stepped
to the front, red tees; the gentleman, 78,
started at the white tees. Soon he said, “I
think I’ll come up and join you. I don’t hit
the ball that far anymore, and it looks like
more fun.”
Indeed it was, for all of us. I thought
of all the 40-something men I knew who
played golf no more than once a month,
yet insist on playing from the back tees,
spraying shots into the trees and splash-
ing others into the ponds while we
"ladies" wait patiently (safely behind) for
them to tee up another...and another.
Then I started thinking of all the other
things men do on the golf course that we
women would rather they didn’t. really
guys, we’re not waiting all that patiently
as you stand interminably over a putt
worth .50 cents, wander into the woods
to find a tree to water and fuss with the
wrapper on your cigar as we prepare to
tee off.
oh, but there I go nagging. The last
thing you want to hear from a golf magazine, right? You came here to escape.
Maybe see some pictures of natalie Gul-bis, indulge in a few golf-around-the-world
fantasies—nagging strictly prohibited.
oK, try this: Imagine a world where
man’s primary role on a golf course is to
delight his female companions. He strives
to show them such a good time they cannot wait to play golf again—in fact, the
memory of this round might inspire these
women to show up at the golf course
alone in anticipation of having a wonderful time with whatever men they might be
paired with.
I checked with the GolfGoddess for
some pointers on how you can live this
fantasy:
n first, when you see the skorted/shorted
sex approaching the tee, you smile
warmly and say what a pleasant
surprise it is to be paired today with
women. You shake hands without
breaking their putting bones.
n You ask if anyone is bothered by cigar
smoke; if yes, you know this is not a
nag, only a statement of preference,
and so you accommodatingly discuss
guidelines for when you will release
your toxins into the air (in the fairway,
downwind, never on the putting green
or tee).
n next, ask what tees they intend to play
from because you know there is no such
thing as "ladies’ tees," that in fact all of
the tees are for men and all of the tees
are for women. You should also know that
some women are better golfers than you
are and may prefer to play a longer course
than is offered from the forward tees.
n If paired with three women, consider
whether it would ruin or enhance your
game to join them at their tees. If you are
playing a different set of tees, remember
to stop your cart at the tees where others
are playing before driving to your ball.
n restrooms tend to be located on the
front nine, back nine and at the turn; because the course has so kindly built these,
please use them.
n When you hit a bad shot, laugh or shrug
or say “fudge” and calmly return your club
to your bag, because you know that even
Tiger Woods has been scolded for using
another f-word, and you heard about
that guy who slammed his club into the
ground only to have the shaft break off
and stab himself fatally in the chest.
n When you are thirsty, you have one
beer because you know if you have six
you will be using the wrong f-word and
throwing clubs. If you must use illegal
substances, this is cause for a trip into
the woods...though without holding up
the group.
n When your female companions hit a
poor shot, please thoroughly break down
and analyze their swing, mentally roll-
ing CBS’ Swingvision...but without ever
saying a word. The only shot comments
most of us wish to hear all day are: “Great
putt,” “Good shot,” “nice out,” “Would
you like a mulligan?” and, “There’s the
drink cart, I’m buying.”
What an outrageous fantasy, you say?
GolfGoddess must be oD-ing on that silly
pink water all the girls like to drink.
Susan Fornoff, of Oakland, Calif., plays golf
with men every chance she gets. Her online
golf magazine for women will premiere this
fall at GottaGoGolf.com.
